[Twenty-Somewhere] Episode 6: Something to prove

[ Need to catch up on 20SW? See a list of all episodes. ]

When you’re in your twenties, life is all about proving yourself. At your job, in your relationship, to your family. You’re transitioning out of school, in many cases out of the home you grew up in. Your shelter is gone. You may or may not still have a safety net, but you want to feel independent. You want to “make it on your own.”

For this reason, Claudia submits story after story to all the top literary magazines in the country. Three to six months later, each and every self-addressed stamped envelope returns to her. Undeterred, she continues to send out her work, but she starts to put goofy names on the return labels — Wanda Gohome, Fannie Pach, Ima Luseur  — just so she can laugh when they come in.

Sophie busts her butt at Arden Advertising, coming in early and staying late, fixing the work of weaker team members so it matches the caliber of her own. From her quarterly reviews, she knows she’s “making it,” but what does that really mean? A good salary, a roof over her head, gas money for her car. Is that what life is about, she wonders. After an impulse shopping trip, she drives home to her empty apartment and drops her bags on the sofa — and realizes she knows the answer.

In her competitive graduate program, MJ’s life revolves around getting into the best lab, which everyone agrees is Dr. Gohit’s. She is among a handful of students who are competing for the single spot. At Dr. Gohit’s request, they are all to meet one morning in the lobby of the building where he works. MJ runs into Felix on her way there.

“Do you think Gohit is going to test us? I crammed a little bit last night just in case.”

“I have no idea,” MJ says truthfully. “His email was really vague, but I’m sure there will be some sort of evaluation.”

“Yeah. Step 1 is probably getting past the protesters.”

“The what?”

“You’ll see.”

They round the corner of another academic building, and suddenly MJ realizes the dim rumbling that she thought was the wind is actually a horde of angry people picketing Dr. Gohit’s building. “What on earth is that?!”

“Gohit’s research involves monkeys. Apparently PETA types are just as active in the UK as in the US. Maybe more so.”

MJ stares wide-eyed as they continue towards the building. The protesters allow them to enter — barely — but repeat their chants even louder. Don’t kill for pills! Shame on science! Save Curious George!

Felix shakes his head as he leads her to a little coffee stand in the corner of the lobby. “Can you believe we’re all fighting for the chance to face that every morning?”

MJ swallows hard. “Every morning?”

Dr. Gohit is waiting for the group when they arrive. After another few minutes, everyone is present, and he leads them to the elevator and up to his lab. He introduces his two main assistants, older grad students who can hardly restrain their sense of superiority over these newbies. He explains some of the work they’re doing — that one of them will have the privilege of assisting with — and then he leads them to a row of cages. Inside are the saddest looking monkeys MJ has ever seen.

“They currently sedated,” Dr. Gohit explains. He opens one cage door and pulls out a small, dark brown monkey. “This is #44. I want one of you to inject him with our test serum.” He produces a capped syringe from his coat pocket.

The students take a collective breath. This is the opportunity they’ve been waiting for, the chance to show what they’re made of. One young man has an eager, almost hungry look in his eyes. Felix and MJ’s faces reflect a mixture of determination and disgust. The other two girls have gone pale.

Dr. Gohit glances at each one, and his gaze settles on MJ. “You.” He hands her the syringe.

When she doesn’t move, Felix gives her a little push forward. She stumbles, then straightens. She looks at the row of cages. The monkeys inside all seems so sweet and sleepy, childlike in their innocence.

“Well?”

MJ takes a deep breath and reaches for #44’s arm. She uncaps the syringe. She stares into his little black eyes.

“I can’t.”

Mortified, she flees from the lab. The whole elevator ride down, she berates herself for being weak. She might not like animal testing on a personal level, but she’s a scientist! She knows how invaluable they can be to research. And now she has failed Gohit’s test; she’ll never get into his lab. With a heavy sigh, she steps off the elevator and walks to the other side of the lobby. She has no desire to deal with the protesters.

To her surprise, Felix is already at the back door.

“I can’t believe I just did that,” she groans. “What did Gohit say?”

“I have no idea. I walked out too.”

“Are you crazy? I would have been fine. You shouldn’t have given up your chance just to check on me!”

“I didn’t. I’m following your good example.”

“What?”

“Sometimes, MJ, you have to make a choice. What’s more important: proving yourself to someone else, or proving yourself to yourself? Today I think you made the right choice.”

He smiles, and she begins to feel like maybe she didn’t just ruin her life.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s go get some hot chocolate. We’ve got the whole day to ourselves now.”

They walk out into the brilliant sunlight, a perfect unexpected pick-me-up, especially in England. MJ looks up and wonders if her friends in the US are seeing the same beautiful sky. Wonders if they are learning the same important lesson she’s learned today. She has no idea what lab she’s going to work in now, and that makes her a little nervous, but she knows one thing for sure: wherever she works, she’s not going to have to put on armor — literally or figuratively — to get in the front door every morning.