Category: Personal (Page 1 of 44)

Resolve

On January 1, 2016, I was in the midst of trying to get pregnant. I wouldn’t have called it a new year’s resolution, haha, but it was definitely a priority. Now I have an amazing little girl, a living symbol of my love and luck, dozing beside me as I write this.

When she was born, my mother told me that I would have to work harder than ever, so that my daughter would be proud of me. At the time, I rolled my eyes, slightly annoyed. But my mom was right. I do want IB to be proud of me. I want to set a good example for her. I want to show her that dreams are worth working for. And, hopefully, that they can be achieved.

To that end, I have just one resolution for this year. In 2017, I am going to finish a new manuscript. Even if I have to write the whole thing with one hand in the Notes app of my iPhone. (No, really. That’s the only way I’ve gotten anything done with a newborn so far.)

Writing a book doesn’t mean selling a book doesn’t mean making a lot of money or getting good reviews or launching a successful lifelong career. I cannot control those things. I can only control one thing: the words I put on the page. But that’s where everything else starts. That’s the most important part.

There are other things I want to do this year — travel, read, exercise — but only two will take pieces of my heart. Only two will make pieces of my heart. My writing and my daughter. I hereby resolve to give them everything I’ve got.

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Adapting

The past couple months have been a whirlwind, both personally and politically. For better or worse, the personal has kept me from dwelling too much on the political.

In typical newborn fashion, my little IB demands nearly all of my time, energy, and attention. It’s a big change, this shift from Person to Also Parent. And just when you think you’ve got a handle on it, the kid enters a new phase, throwing things out of alignment again.

“Every day is a different beast,” as my friend Ben said. (He has 5 children, so I assume he knows what he’s talking about.) I’m doing my best to adapt. Finding time for myself — and for my writing — in the spaces between IB’s needs.

One thing I’ve really been enjoying is capturing little moments every day. I’m compiling them privately in a sort of digital baby book for IB. One picture a day, accompanied by a few thoughts or observations. I might try something like that here too. We’ll see.

A new normal. I feel like we’re all searching for that right now.

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Due date

Today is the day we were told to expect our little girl. But there are no calendars in the womb, and she decided to show up two weeks early. Surprise!

She’s tiny and amazing, and I am oh so tired. The whole universe has shifted. My heart grows every day.

She already has a dozen nicknames, most of them adorable nonsense. I don’t plan to blog about her a lot, but when I do, I’ll probably just use her initials, IB.

For now my life is lived in three-hour increments, in between her feedings. And I’m doing almost everything on my phone, or otherwise one-handedly. It changes the shape of things, even my words. It will be interesting to see what kind of writing comes out of this. If any. Have I mentioned how tired I am?

I’m still trying, though.

Because just look at that face, you guys. I want to give her everything. I want to make her proud.

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BAD FEMINIST by Roxane Gay (part 2)

Bad FeministThe first set of quotes I highlighted from Roxane Gay’s BAD FEMINIST can be found here. They are, as one might guess, very feminism-focused.

This set, on the other hand, is more varied. Less political, I suppose, and more personal.

I am quite content to be in my thirties, and nothing affirms that more than being around people in their late teens and early twenties. (26)

First: I have loved every decade of my life, each for different reasons. Also: I’m only just beginning my 30s, so I’m hardly an expert.

But there does seem to be something different, more comfortable, about this era already. At 30, adulthood feels like a pair of shoes that I’ve finally broken in. I’m not playing dress up anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a work in progress. But I’m more the person that I want to be than ever before.

“Self-absorption is different from self-love.” (111, quoted from Diana Spechler’s novel SKINNY)

This struck a chord with me because I know a few people who don’t fully comprehend the distinction between these two things, or can’t cross the bridge from one to the other. (And perhaps I’m guilty myself at times.) It’s kind of ironic how much you can focus on the self, and it comes off as ego, when really it’s more reflective of a deep well of insecurity.

It makes perfect sense that many of us obsess over our bodies. There is nothing more inescapable. Our bodies move us through our lives. They bring pleasure and pain. Sometimes our bodies serve us well, and other times our bodies become terribly inconvenient. (113)

I’ve gone through ups and downs with my body image over the years. (What young woman hasn’t?) Puberty is notoriously tough, but pregnancy has been surprisingly fraught too. My body is doing incredible things for my baby girl, and I am extremely grateful for how well it is “tolerating” pregnancy. (My OB’s words, haha, not mine.) But at the same time, my body has also morphed into something unfamiliar, seemingly overnight. And it continues to grow, becoming increasingly foreign and uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally.

In the end, the price cannot be separated from the gift, so I will pay it. I will even embrace it, for the strange and wonderful marvel that it is.

But I won’t pretend that it doesn’t also trouble me sometimes.

Just because you survive something does not mean you are strong. (144)

I like this as a counterpoint to the famous saying, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t think one is more true than the other; I just think it’s worth acknowledging that both are possibilities.

Too often, we fail to ask ourselves what sacrifices we will make for the greater good. What stands will we take? We expect role models to model the behaviors we are perfectly capable of modeling ourselves. (169)

I keep typing and erasing my thoughts in response to this quote. Obviously I haven’t quite sorted them out.

The one piece I can clearly express: The people I admire most tend not to look to others for greatness, but rather hold themselves to the highest standards, and constantly seek to improve.

We all have the capacity to do hurtful things, but we differ from one another in terms of scale — how much we can hurt others, how far we will go to make a statement about our beliefs, how remorseful we might feel in the aftermath of committing a terrible act. Most of us, if we are lucky, will only commit petty hurtful acts, the kinds of hurt that can be forgiven. (296)

This feels like a really important thing to understand. Basically: We are all capable of some degree of “evil.” But do we permit those weaknesses within ourselves, or strive to overcome them? Do we deny, or atone?

This is the modern age. When tragedies occur, we take to Twitter and Facebook and blogs to share our thoughts and feelings. We do this to know that maybe, just maybe, we are not alone in our confusion or grief or sorrow or to believe we have a voice in what happens in the world. (297)

Very true. And overall, I think it’s a positive thing — this sense of connection, this ability for everyone to have a platform. But it does come with drawbacks. Everything gets magnified, sometimes beyond recognition. I think we have to be careful not to just build an echo chamber around ourselves. And we have to be willing to listen and learn as much as we are eager to speak and be understood.

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So much to celebrate

13 years of friendship, 11 years of love, 9 years of #grumblepup management, 2 years of marriage, 1 year of home ownership, and ~7 weeks until parenthood.

downtown cinci 037

Grant and Millenium Park 019

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Day 2 - Magic Kingdom 101

Day 3 at sea 014

Taipei Day 4 034 selfie

I couldn’t ask for anything more.

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