Eli’s job requires him, and thus Claudia, to attend a number of social functions throughout the year. Claudia enjoys meeting the people Eli works with and learning more about what they do, but inevitably the conversations all take the same turn.
“So, Claudia, what do you do?”
“Oh.” Nervous laugh. “I’m a writer.”
“Really? How exciting! Have you been published?”
“Uh.” Another even more nervous laugh. “Not yet. I’m actually still revising my first novel.”
“Ah, okay. Wow. Well, I can’t wait to read your book! Hopefully I can get an autograph…” Wink wink nudge nudge.
Gracious smile. “Of course.”
# # #
On the other side of the Atlantic, MJ is dealing with an awkward situation of her own. Ben has been coming on rather strong, and though she appreciates the attention, she doesn’t need quite so much of it all the time. He’s a like leaky faucet: even when she tries to turn him off, a little bit still drips out.
Not being much of a plumber, so to speak, MJ decides to avoid him for a while. She hides out in friends’ rooms, living out of her backpack, returning to her own room only to shower, change clothes, or sleep. It’s nomadic, and a little strange, but it works.
“How long are you planning on doing this?” asks Sam, the Russian. The question is not a veiled complaint; he is more than happy to harbor MJ. Not only does he get to spend time with her, but he is learning from Ben’s mistakes. He always lets MJ come to him. He pays attention but never pursues her too strongly. He keeps a box of German chocolates on hand, which she devours without thinking.
“I don’t know.” She unwraps another chocolate and nibbles. “I can’t take much more.”
“Why don’t you just tell him to leave you alone?”
MJ sighs. “Because I don’t want him to. Not completely, anyway.”
“Then what do you want?”
MJ looks at Sam but doesn’t answer, because MJ realizes she has no idea.
# # #
Sophie has been struggling with the same question for a few weeks, but in a slightly different way. Everyone tells her that working for Arden Advertising is a dream come true. Alexis Arden IS advertising in Texas. But in college, Sophie felt an abundance of passion, and now all she feels is weary, stressed, overworked.
“So what, you’re going to quit?” Reggie asks one day as they exit a McDonald’s drive thru. This is all they have time to eat on the way to a client meeting across town.
“No. I don’t know. I’m just not sure this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.”
“Does it need to be?”
“Well if it’s not, aren’t I wasting my time?”
Reggie gobbles nearly half his cheeseburger in one mouthful. “Ahohn shink sho.” He chews for a few seconds, trying to be more coherent. “Arr ou unhahpeh?”
Sophie considers his question. “No, no I’m not unhappy. But I’m not happy either. Not as happy as I used to be, anyway.”
“Ah shink dat’s normal.” He swallows, finally. “We’ve only been out of school and working for a couple months now. There’s going to be a period of adjustment. You just gotta ride it out.”
“And what if I don’t adjust? What if this doesn’t get better?”
“Then you have to figure out what will be better. But you can’t go after what you want if you don’t know what it is.”
Sophie is quiet for a moment, munching on a couple of fries. Then she sighs and smiles. “In the three years I’ve known you, I think that’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said.”
“Shanks,” Reggie says with a grin, the other half of his burger showing through his open mouth.
# # #
Back at home, Claudia collapses onto the sofa. Eli clicks his Blackberry for a few minutes, even though they have just returned from yet another work function. Finally he comes over and sits next to her. Max joins them, licking their fingers for any trace of their dinner. Eli turns on the TV.
“Did you have a nice time tonight?” Claudia asks, massaging his neck.
“Hmm? Oh yeah, sure. Did you?”
“Yeah.” Pause. Sigh.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing never really means nothing.”
She rolls her eyes, but truthfully she’s glad he has learned to interpret her. “It’s nothing.” Pause. “It’s just… I’m so tired of people always wanting to know if I’m published.”
“Well, that’s a big deal for a writer.”
“Yeah, but I have enough pressure, enough people watching me expectantly. I don’t need your coworkers to join the horde.”
“Dude, the life you want to lead naturally puts you in that kind of a spotlight. Someone’s always gonna want to know about your writing, and someday it won’t just be me and your parents. You’ll have agents, editors, and readers breathing down your neck. You know that.”
“Yeah…”
“Isn’t that what you want?”
“Not exactly.” She smiles weakly. “But like you said, it comes with the territory. Or it will, anyway. If I ever actually do get published.”
“You will.” Eli kisses the top of her head. “Hey, you’re just starting out. Don’t worry so much about what other people think. Once you get the first domino to topple, the rest are going to fall quicker than you think. Just focus on that first domino.”
Claudia nods with more conviction than she feels. She knows she is lucky — her dreams haven’t changed since she was ten, and now she has the opportunity to pursue them — yet every day, every word of her novel, seems like a struggle.
Later that night as she’s going to bed, Claudia wonders the same thing that MJ asked herself a few hours earlier as she snuck into her room and ignored the blinking light on her cell phone — voice mails from Ben. The same question Sophie ponders now as she and Reggie make yet another pot of coffee and try to finish their strategy report.
Shouldn’t this be easier?
