Yesterday you ate poop.
Then when I was brushing your teeth, you ate half the toothbrush head.
The only thing that I was happy you ate last night was the hydrogen peroxide I used to induce your vomiting. Until I had to pick up all your vomit. Then I wasn’t feeling so cheerful. (But I did find the piece of the toothbrush amidst the soggy, bile-covered kibbles, so mission accomplished!)
Oh, don’t give me those cute puppy eyes or that big doggy grin. They won’t work on me anymore.
Okay, fine, they will. I still love you. But please, let’s not repeat last night, OK?