A little less than coherent

Pardon me if I’m a little less than coherent today. It’s the first day this week that I haven’t needed allowed myself to nap. Don’t get me wrong, naps are great, but should a twenty-two year old really need to nap at 9:30 am, just two hours after she’s woken up? I think not.

In fact, I’m a little worried about how tired Andy and I have been, particularly in the mornings. I was never this way before, except for a few nights in college when I’d procrastinated studying for a big exam or writing a paper until the night before. But now we’re like zombies in the morning, hitting snooze at least twice before we finally get up to stumble around our bedroom. It’s gotten worse in the past couple weeks, but if I’m being honest, it’s been a problem for the past few months. We tried opening our blinds to let in more natural light, and that helped a bit during summer, but with fall here and winter fast approaching, it’s no longer enough. Mostly because light doesn’t come until well after we’ve woken up and I’m taking Riley out on his morning walk.

We get seven to eight hours on a regular basis, both take vitamins — Andy’s better about it than I am, but he’s usually the tireder one — and eat decently well. So what’s the problem?! I honestly don’t know, but it is starting to worry me. We’re going to look at new mattresses this weekend, since we’re currently sleeping on an innerspring mattress that he’s had for over ten years, but there’s no guarantee it’ll help…

Cross your fingers for me?

What really brought me here was not to beg for your good vibes. (But please, please send them.) What brought me here was the realization that I don’t write happy things.

Okay okay, here on the blog, sure, stuff is mostly happy. Because I’m a generally happy person. I think I got most of my angst — and thus most of my angsty blogging — out during my teenage years, and I have since obliterated/privatized/forgotten about those blogs. Of course, I do have most of them backed up on my computer, because hey, sometimes it’s fun to go back and see how BOO HOO EMO you used to be.

But in terms of my fiction writing — you know, the stuff I want to make a living off of? — I rarely ever write happy things. My main characters are usually angry, sad, or both. Someone important to them has died. And no one really laughs, because snorts and sarcastic chuckles don’t count.

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT, YO?

I don’t go into any of my stories thinking, Hmm, how can I make this really, REALLY emo? They just kind of come out that way! I never thought it was a problem — frankly I thought it was because sad things are easier to write than happy ones — but the more I think about it, the more I realize the signs have been there all along.

Sign #1: my mom sitting me down one day during my junior year of high school and asking if I needed to see a psychologist, because my two award-winning stories were about (a) a woman in an abusive relationship who wants to commit suicide, and (b) a girl who makes a pot of coffee for her brother every morning, despite the fact that he’s been dead for years.

HMMMMM…

There’s no real resolution to this issue, other than my looking a little harder, digging a little deeper, and finding that happy place within me that can produce less depressing fiction that still rings true to my voice.

But you tell me: Isn’t it really weird?! Or am I overreacting?

# # #

On a completely unrelated note, OMG CHECK OUT THE SEKSY. Since I can’t afford one right now, I’m making small tweaks to Winnie so that she and I are both happier. Most recently I lowered the Hardware Acceleration in her Display Settings (say what?? I know) because ever since I upgraded to iTunes 8.0 and Firefox 3.0, they mess each other up and I end up with half of Demi Lovato’s album cover in my Gmail window.

Dear Universe,

Please publish me soon so that I can reward myself with a new Macbook laptop. Also so I can stop feeling like a huge failure and waste of life.

THXBYE,
Kristan

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7 Comments

  1. Life is not super happy a lot of the time, so it sounds like you’re just writing real-life kind of stuff. Also, I want a new laptop too and I’m torn between going pc or Mac….??

  2. Ohmigosh I know the new ones came out and Xilu got one and now I have to go play with it!!

  3. Super multi-tasking (watching, er, listening to the debate, trying to do homework, while being online…).

    I mean this constructively, I really think y’all need a new mattress. Your mattress was a bit uncomfortable and I think it will affect how you sleep. (Or if you keep it, maybe buy the foam to put on top.)

    I think tragedies are easier to dig out because there’s usually more empathy so it’s “more moving”. I mean there are happy moments in your stories right?

  4. I agree with 24, real life is filled with more than happy. Your tech talk flies over my head, but I will send positive vibes your way.

    The tired thing. Try acupuncture. Seriously.

  5. TFAH-
    Personally, I can no longer deny my obsession with getting a Mac. I have to wait a couple years until I can earn/justify/afford it, but I know that my next laptop WILL be a Mac. Or else I will drop dead from crazy.

    For you, I’d highly suggest trying one before purchase. There are pros and cons to each, and it totally depends on what you want/need out of a computer. PCs overall are going to be cheaper to get the same specs, but Macs are more stable. Truly I would argue that PCs are more intuitive, but once you do get used to a Mac, it’s not bad. Also more programs and peripheral devices (printers, etc.) are more easily compatible with PCs, BUT they can usually connect to Macs too. Microsoft Office is more “natural” on PCs, but it does work just fine with Macs. Macs are hands down sexier, but there are some cute PCs out there.

    So yeah, try a bunch out, read consumer reviews online (CNet, Amazon, etc.) and then just trust your gut. If I’d done that 3 years ago, I wouldn’t be dealing with my Mac obsession right now…

    Angie-
    I was super multi-tasking last night too (talking with Mary, playing with Riley, watching movie/debates, and online) but I NEED to focus on one task at a time again! I’m losing productivity in spades…

    I’m not offended at all! Actually I’m REALLY glad to hear it’s not just my suspicions, that you think we need a new mattress too. We’re probably going to get one this weekend and hope for the best, but even if it doesn’t solve our problems, I think we recognize the need anyway.

    Some happy moments, yes, but I do want to write truly more upbeat stories.

    phhhst-
    Haha, a coworker of mine recently tried acupuncture and had some interesting comments about it. Some good, some bad. I don’t know if we’re that serious yet — I also know that Andy wouldn’t try it, even if I did — but I will keep it in mind, honestly. (I’m really not above trying anything. Except, like, eating monkey brains.)

    Thanks for the vibes. :)

  6. Yeah I think the weather is contributing, but several months of problems is more than just environmental factors. Fortunately Cincy got an IKEA back in March, so it shouldn’t cost $1k (I was freaking out too until I saw their prices). And yeah, more fruit probably wouldn’t hurt. :)

  7. Aisha

    I think everyone has trouble getting up in the mornings when the weather starts to change. I wouldn’t go out and blow $1000+ on a new mattress unless you’re truly unhappy with yours. Another recommendation would be a good quality air mattress, those are usually about $200.
    Yet another recommendation would be colorful fruits and vegetables to help with your tiredness. Not 1 or 2, but 4 or 5 a day.

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